Heather Russell: Jokes and Other Silliness - 8/7/13 - Female Performer Chat

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Female Performer Chat: Jokes and Other Silliness

Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

8/23/15 @ 7:32pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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thats exactly what i think!!! such a turn off ...its a shame how human being is somethimes ! lets keep the feeling still we are few differents!

*is laughing*

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Created by: suggs

8/29/15 @ 3:12am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.

Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"

So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds later he has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.

The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete cunt when you are drunk"

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Created by: macobrian

8/29/15 @ 9:22pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Posts: 84

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what's your favourite position in bed?
'next to the wall so I can use my phone while it's charging'

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Created by: suggs

9/4/15 @ 11:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

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Created by: ourjeffie

10/6/15 @ 10:16pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 45,936

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two men were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and eventually said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Created by: Maliah Damon

10/7/15 @ 9:34pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

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Created by: Simone Lovely

10/11/15 @ 5:17am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Created by: Simone Lovely

10/11/15 @ 9:19pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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i got stage fright lol sorry for blank space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Created by: lickau

1/29/16 @ 3:33pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third chi1d?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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Created by: lickau

1/30/16 @ 3:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I�m going home now.

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Created by: lickau

2/2/16 @ 11:28am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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At big event this guy is carrying two plates of food from the buffet- one for his girl-friend and one for himself. As they enter the large hall to sit at a long table, everyone looks up and starts moving their chairs to make room for the couple to sit. At the same time the girl says, "Honey, give me the keys to the car, I need to get something."
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!"

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Created by: lickau

2/8/16 @ 12:26pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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Created by: timbo-83

4/16/16 @ 12:24am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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how do you know farmers are having a party? they turnip the beets...

I decided to delete all the german names from my phone, now its Hans free....

how many lives does a german cat have? nein!!

why did the ram run off a clif? he didn't see the ewe turn....

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Created by: suggs

4/16/16 @ 12:29am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."

Could of been worse, a Peel P50* car.

*Officially the worlds smallest production car.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peel_P50

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Created by: oraemon

4/17/16 @ 6:22pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Posts: 1

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The other day, I happened to visit a chat and saw the model snoring away :D Guess she must have done long hours of camming and fell asleep without logging off. And we members were wondering how to wake her up lol. One of them suggested clicking pvt and then blaring loud music in C2C to wake her. I left the room a bit later so don't know if anybody tried that on her :winkwink

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Created by: suggs

6/7/16 @ 1:36pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

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Created by: oraemon

6/7/16 @ 2:50pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Posts: 1

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Translated version of a joke from another language -
A guy was walking past a pool when he saw a butterfly in it and flapping its wings. He immediately took it out, held it in one hand while tenderly touching it with other and said 'I hope you're ok.' The butterfly replied, 'Why did you do that? I was only playing in the water, I come here once a year to celebrate. You see, today is my birthday.' 'Wow', the boy said, 'that's awesome, wish you a very happy birthday, dear butterfly!' and he clapped his hands joyously.

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Created by: timbo-83

9/8/16 @ 6:50am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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did you hear the news? Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident, some dick cut her off....

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Created by: village.idiot

10/29/16 @ 7:47am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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so there was a cute little squirrel in a tree, he hand a big handful of nuts he had just collected and was rubbing them all over his cock.

another squirrel saw him and said "what's wrong with you? are you crazy?"
he said "NO! I'm fucking nuts!"

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Created by: loverofhotwomen

10/30/16 @ 5:28am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: usa, minnesota
Posts: 1

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I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either. :orglaugh

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