Heather Russell: Jokes and Other Silliness - 8/7/13

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Female Performer Chat: Jokes and Other Silliness

Created by: Heather Russell

8/7/13 @ 12:50pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Sometimes you just need a little pick-me-up. Let's hear what you got! I'll go first...

Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes....
Because then, you'll be a mile away.
And you'll have their shoes.

Who's next?
:winkwink

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Created by: amicu

8/7/13 @ 1:55pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: In the F4F Archives, Sublevel 5, aisles 71-72
Posts: 1,088

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Who the f*ck took my shoes? :mad

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Created by: .jeffie.

8/7/13 @ 6:04pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane, Australia

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amicu walked into a bar wearing only one shoe

"Lost a shoe?" asked the barman

"Nah, found one" amicu replied

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Created by: Heather Russell

8/10/13 @ 5:57pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A poem...

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/11/13 @ 2:03pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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A man walks into a vet's office and says: "This toad I got for my son has blisters on his feet."

The vet goes: "Toads don't get blisters on their feet."

But sure enough the man showed the vet a toad with blisters on his feet. The vet was pretty excited, he might become the discoverer of some heretofor unknown disease in toads. Big deal in vet circles you know.

So he said to the man "Get another toad from the pet store and let me stay with you and your son. I want to observe what happens to the new toad."

So the man agreed. Bought a new toad. Allowed the vet to set up shop in his home. The vet brought in lab equipment. Like all the vets have. Magnetic resonance machines. Rows upon rows of frothing chemicals in glass tubes. Even electro - shock equipment complete with a padded table. It took up a lot of space. But it was worth it. They were going to push the frontiers of medical science - for toads.

Well they waited day after day. But the toad stayed healthy. The vet got pretty discouraged finally and said, "oh all right, you may as well give him to your son to play with now."

So they did and as they were packing up the equipment to go on to the next discovery quest they heard the son going: "Varrrrrrrrrooooooooom buh buh buh Varooooooooooom buh buh buh".

They looked over at the son and saw him rubbing the toad along the floor like a wind up matchbox car.... True story. :smoking

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Created by: Heather Russell

8/11/13 @ 3:32pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Am I allowed to tell a Michael Jackson joke? It may be a little risque but funny as hell...

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Created by: timbo-83

8/11/13 @ 7:19pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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Am I allowed to tell a Michael Jackson joke? It may be a little risque but funny as hell...

tell it!!! :drinkup

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Created by: timbo-83

8/11/13 @ 7:36pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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on the topic of vet jokes:

a woman brought her pet duck to the vet saying she thought something was wrong with him because he wasn't moving

the vet took a quick look at the duck and said "ma'am your duck is dead"

the woman said "but your not going to do any tests?? he could just be in a coma or something"

the vet left and came back with a black Labrador retriever and the dog sniffed the duck, sat on the table and shook it's head

the vet left and came back with a cat, the cat pawed at the duck and jumped down from the table and shook it's head

the vet said to the woman "your duck it definitely dead" and handed her a bill for 200 dollars

the woman said "200 dollars!?!? just to tell me my duck is dead?"

the vet said " well it would have been 30, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's 200"

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Created by: Heather Russell

8/11/13 @ 7:59pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Q: What do Coke, Pepsi and Michael Jackson have in common?

waaaaaaaaaiittt for ittttt.............

A: They all come in little cans!

DOH!!! :orglaugh

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Created by: Naughty Amira

8/11/13 @ 8:03pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. :evil

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Created by: Heather Russell

8/12/13 @ 1:32am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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BAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

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Created by: timbo-83

8/26/13 @ 9:55pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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a flasher was walking through the park when he saw 3 little old ladies sitting on a bench

he walked over and opened his trench coat (as flashers do) one little old lady immediately had a stroke

the second little old lady had a stroke shortly after

and the third little old lady being the most frail of the group couldn't reach :P

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Created by: Naughty Amira

8/26/13 @ 10:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to
add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I am having such a wonderful time! I wish you were her..."

Woman's revenge...
- Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
- So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.
- No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally

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Created by: suggs

8/27/13 @ 12:24pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."

"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says, "it`s not that difficult is it!?!"

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Created by: timbo-83

8/31/13 @ 1:07am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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tribute to Abby Lexington

a blonde is paddling a canoe in the middle of a field having a grand old time

another blonde while driving down the road next to the field sees her and drives up beside her and rolls down her window

she yells "look at you paddling a canoe in the middle of a field!! you look like an idiot!! its blondes like you that make blonde like me look bad, and if I could swim I'd kick your ass"

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Created by: timbo-83

8/31/13 @ 1:15am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: an un-special person, in an un-special place
Posts: 431

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one more

legend has it there was a magical mirror that if you said something un-true while looking in it it would suck you in to stay for eternity

a brunette looked in the mirror and said "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and got sucked in

a redhead looked in the mirror and said "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and got sucked in

a blonde looked in the mirror and said "I think......." and got sucked in

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Created by: Naughty Amira

9/2/13 @ 8:30pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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..." Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

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Created by: suggs

9/4/13 @ 4:10pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768

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For more comedy check here

http://www.flirt4free.com/forums/threads.php?forum_id=8&thread_id=41&num_posts=404

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/7/13 @ 4:40pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Cam Model: SnakeVeinedDick23! SnakeVeinedDic23!

SnakeVeinedDick23: Yes bb?

Cam Model: We gotta talk! I'm having your bb!

SnakeVeinedDick23: (long pause) Well I suppose we did cam 2 cam that one time... My baby?

Cam Model: No your bb! ( something metallic hits the floor) He's here! He's here! He's here!

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Created by: wangzilla

9/22/13 @ 12:51pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: the ocean just off shore of Japan
Posts: 6

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I went to the doctors office the other day to find my family doctor had retired, his replacement is a beautiful female doctor so I was a bit nervous

she said: don't worry, Im very profesonal I have seen it all, just tell me whats wrong and Ill check it out

I said: My girlfriend thinks my cock tastes funny

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